What It Takes to Backtalk

Growing up, I learned the importance of being an example, to say I was sorry, and to not push issues too far. All of this was, I think, the result of being the oldest of seven children, possessing a generally compliant nature and huge sense of responsibility for everyone and everything around me, and being the daughter of a mother with a very dominant personality and a mostly resigned dad.

On some occasions, even when I knew I was right or felt that I did have a point to carry, I was actually told to "be the adult in the situation" or to "take the high road," which often meant apologizing profusely or backpedaling on something I believed in, just to settle a rift that had occurred. Somewhere along the line, the idea of standing up for myself became confused in my mind with being boorish, insensitive, self-centered, aggressive, needlessly argumentative, and immature.

The good thing is that I can (at least on the surface) let a lot of insignificant conflict go and manage to maintain relationships and my own level of politeness and courtesy. The bad news is that I sometimes "stuff" a lot of emotion or opinion, and often even ignore or sacrifice things that I deeply care about or want a LOT - all in the interest of keeping the peace, not being too much trouble for someone else, or not wanting to appear self-centered, aggressive, etc.

Lucky for me, I married a man with a wonderful ability to be boorish. (*smile and wink*) At one time I might have felt a little embarrassed by his insistence that a hostess seat us somewhere other than right by the bustling kitchen door, or exchange my Diet Coke for the regular Coke I actually ordered. And I might have felt a little trod upon by his propensity to play devil's advocate with people we just met who may not know that he actually does have more morality and good humor than his arguments, however brilliant, would imply.

But the truth is that he and I balance each other wonderfully. He is learning to let some things go and not fight an issue just for the sake of being right or showing his intellectual prowess (which he really does have). And I am learning that sometimes, it's good - even vital - for the soul to push back.

This last week, I have had to stand up for myself in two different situations that are for me really, really uncomfortable and difficult. I actually have been known to delegate these kinds of tasks to David. (I can't argue with insurance companies, property management, or the department of taxation without bawling and giving in, so tag - he's it.)

But these two were mine alone to handle: One occasion was with my OBGyn - she wants to induce labor! At 38 weeks! For no good reason! And the second time, just this morning, was with a relative stranger to whom I sold something on Craigslist.

When I told David about my conversation with the OB, he said, "Good for you! I'm so glad you told her everything you did!" And he gave me a big hug. Today I had to call him to read the e-mail I sent to the Craigslist lady, to make sure I was asserting my position without being too wenchy. Again he supported and applauded me.

I know this might all sound very petty and you all are wondering just what kind of mousey little child I am, especially when I can be quite sassy on occasion, but seriously - it takes so much out of me to stand up for myself. I realized that the "confrontation" with the OB last week is probably mostly what made me feel so weepy and out of sorts for a few days, and it still does, when I stop and think.

I get so frustrated and angry that all I can do is cry, and mostly because it's unclear if I'm more upset with the person I'm confronting, or with myself for not being able to do it without apology or emotional blubbering.

All this to say...what? Just that it's something important I'm learning about myself and how I'd like to adjust my ability to make myself matter, to have a little more confidence and strength:

That knowing something is important or right sometimes doesn't always make it any easier to defend. But that every person owes himself the respect of learning and practicing self-assertion, because backing down every single time causes a person to lose not only what they care about, but eventually causes them to lose the sense of who they really are and what they really need or want.

That while there is definitely a balance to find between railroading other people and being railroaded, we weren't meant to turn the other cheek until our head comes unscrewed.

That it's important to find a quiet moment to ask oneself and answer honestly, "Does it really matter?" And when it does really matter, to stand up for self without apology. To hold our ground and learn the skills necessary to kindly, then diplomatically, then forcefully, show others where we stand, even when it doesn't change where they stand and might make things uncomfortable for a while.

That a child might learn more about apologies when they see us respect their position and say we're sorry for overlooking or overstepping than they will by expecting them to always defer to us without question.

That it might be a good thing not to squelch the urge a child has to talk back, but to really listen to what they are trying to say and not deny what they are asserting. That it might be more useful to everyone involved to show them how to change their tone and attitude and make talking back a skill in politely and respectfully leading out, truly taking the high road of choosing right, knowing their true self, and respecting themselves enough to stand up for it.

Meanwhile, the issue with my OB is still open and I am going to have to consult my bravest self to be heard and respected, and right now I'm nothing but a puddle...