What Works?

We're having a big anger management problem around here. With Calvin and Henry, not me and David. In case you were wondering. Heh.

All along, I've been operating on the "it's a phase" answer to every parenting conundrum, and also with an understanding that kids need to be guided in how to control their emotions - they can't do it on their own.

I feel like David and I set a pretty good example of a loving, communicative relationship, and I've tried to give plenty of room for a good learning curve. They are, after all, little children.

I also totally understand that anger is not bad in itself, because it indicates problems or hurt or something that needs adjusted. I don't think it's healthy to completely stifle or ignore anger or make anyone feel bad for feeling angry sometimes.

But everyone needs to learn how to deal with anger in the right way. If kids are consistently lashing out in anger and not learning to control themselves right now, it can be terribly damaging to them and the people they love later in life.

How do you validate the anger without condoning the completely outrageous behavior?

What has made it especially bad lately is that I see Charlie mimicking behavior even when he is not angry, because he sees the big boys do it so often.

And it seems that the big boys have shorter and shorter fuses - the things that set them off happen so quickly and are sometimes so small, and would be completely resolvable if they would stop for one second.

I just can't find a way to get them to stop for that one second before they explode.

And my fuse is shorter and shorter, as well, because of the constant barrage. So I'm not sure I'm exactly an example of self-control. Though I try really hard.

I feel like we've run the whole gamut of tactics - from time-outs to (forewarned) spanks to just deciding that since I can't tell them anymore to stop before someone gets hurt, I'll just be here to apply band-aids or take them to the ER as needed. (OK, that's a slight exaggeration, but you know the feeling?)

I've tried to set an example of tolerance and patience until I feel like my own head is going to explode, trying to control myself.

Time-outs in a chair do not work - Henry and Calvin don't stay sitting. At all. Ever. Or if they do, they kick the wall by the chair or shove the table away from them. Or they scream the entire time they are sitting.

Time-outs in a room by themselves turn the room into a destruction zone.

Spanking doesn't sit well with me for this particular situation - trying to teach them that it's not OK to hit when they don't like the way another person is acting? Hmmm. Yeah, pretty senseless.

They don't listen when I'm telling them to stop stop stop, and they often turn on me when I intervene, and nobody is satisfied with the outcome then.

Trying to have a rational dialog often goes awry and I've started realizing that I really don't need to justify my position to a six-year-old. But he gets even more angry when he feels like I'm not listening.

They also haven't learned from hurting one another that it's not a good thing. (This experimental tactic actually happened by accident the other night when they decided to have a full-on cat fight in the back seat of the car while I was driving. By the time I could stop the car to deal with it, they had shocked and awed the baby and clawed each other's faces up pretty good. And I can't believe I just admitted that to anyone.)

What works in your house for diffusing tempers or redirecting frustration or stopping negative responses like hitting, screaming, throwing stuff and door slamming?

So many moms have said to me, "We just don't tolerate it in our home." Well, duh. But how do your kids know that? How did you nip it in the bud, or stop it once it had escalated? What works for you?

Really, I need to know. I've got to get this straightened out. Take the weekend and give me your best parenting tip.