Only I Can Call Me Crazy

So we did a house-/child-sit stint last week for Auntie S. We stayed at her house and watched over her youngest girls, ages 11 and 4. We've also been watching the little boy of our houseguest while his mom gets situated in a new job, etc. So, lots of kids, a little bit hectic, I've had a few ugly moments and I really am running mostly on empty, just tired. Not a big deal. Really, it comes with the territory.

The thing is, each time I've had one of those moments that the houseguest has witnessed, she makes a comment like, "And you want to have more children?"

Every time.

And she has even said a couple times that I must be crazy. It may be only jest, and the first few times I laughed along. But then it started grating, even though I know where she is coming from, as an overwhelmed single mom. But the fact is that she's not the only one who thinks a bad day with the kids is a signal that you are insane to be doing it or that having more would be a huge mistake.

Maybe I'm just sensitive because I grew up as the oldest of seven hearing people actually say to my mom with clever little hahahas in their voice, "Don't you know what causes that (meaning pregnancy)?" or, "I don't know how you do it - I can't even handle the one I have!" (To which my mom would mutter, "That's exactly why you can't handle it - because he's only one and doesn't think anyone in the world matters as much as he does." But I digress...)

It never ceased to amaze me - or to really hurt and embarrass my mom - that people actually felt OK saying what they did about the number of children in our family.

So will you allow me to froth a bit here? Thanks.

A. It's no one's business except me and my husband's whether we want to have more children. But if it was anyone else's business, the answer is, yes, we do. I don't think I'd adopt internationally on the eve of giving birth to twins or that I'll have fourteen children. But that's just it - I know my personal limits, and they are none of anyone's business or concern.

B. The children are not a problem. They might exacerbate problems and emphasize problems, make it difficult to deal with problems sometimes, but they are not a problem. They are people, members of the family. Do we really believe that a child-free life is a trouble-free life? Last time I checked, there are phases in everyone's life that are hard to make it through. I'm personally glad that I have someone (even lots of someones) to share those times with. My life would not be better or easier and definitely not happier without them.

C. Children are not a liability, either. Yes, life is more expensive and taxing (on a number of different levels) with them in it, but they are not a damper on my existence. They don't hinder my longterm progress and they haven't derailed me from doing anything that is truly important. They might infringe on my alone time - heaven knows that's the hardest thing to cope with - but the truth is that there is nothing I want more than, or instead of, them in my life.

D. I'll be the first to admit that the addition of a baby increases the demand on time and energy, there's always an adjustment, and sometimes it's hard. Each successive pregnancy gets a little more difficult for me to handle gracefully or comfortably. But, really, since when is wanting something wonderful so much that you'd do anything for it, crazy?

E. Children are a gift and a blessing, whether they are hard-won and long-awaited or whether they come pretty easily or unexpectedly - they are an absolute miracle no matter how you look at it. Every time I've given birth I've felt the gift each one was that God saw fit to give especially to me, to teach me and show me things that nothing and no one else ever could have. Most of all, they make me realize there are higher powers and greater needs and more important goals in the universe than myself. They help me get over myself. (Something a lot more people in this world could use...) They show me how to be more patient, more faithful, more trusting, more curious, more adventurous, more loving, more spontaneous, more desirous for good in the world. Not crazy.

F. Each child shows me how great it is that even though I am not a big famous someone to everyone, I am very nearly everyone to each one of them. Who wouldn't want more of that?

G. Mostly, I just want to say that I think it stinks that for every other profession in the world, it's OK to occasionally express frustration or disillusionment or exhaustion or...overwhelmedness and no one suggests that you were crazy to embark on that profession in the first place or that you are maybe too fragile or worn out to take on more. They just talk you through your rough day, call it what it is - a bad day, and that's that. In fact, they often encourage you to work harder and push through it, to ask for a raise or promotion or more responsibility, and remind you kindly that your office is lucky to have you on their team and it will get better, you didn't make a mistake in choosing your career, just keep keeping on, there will always be a learning curve and personality conflicts to work out...

Yet it seems that when you're a mom and you have a hairy day or sometimes cry about it, very few people understand how you can love what you are doing, that it's what you want to do, and even though it doesn't have a paycheck, it is real work and you can't quit. Sometimes they even think they are empathizing when really they are minimizing the choice to mother children, the 24/7 work that it involves, and a person's ability to do it.

Wouldn't it be great if more people said to a mom, "You're having a seriously bad day. But you're doing a great job - your kids are lucky to have you, and in fact you are so good at what you do that you should have a million kids if you want. You could totally do it. And you know you really love it. So don't give up. You didn't make a mistake, there's always a learning curve and there will always be little personality conflicts to iron out, but you can do it!"

I'd just like to be able to have a bad day (week, month) sometimes without people blaming my number of kids for it or telling me that wanting more is crazy.