Filling In the Blanks

I have a first boy who was born more intelligent and inquisitive than anyone I've ever known.

I have a second boy who was born with more sensitivity and imagination than anyone I've ever known.

And I have a third boy who was born with a supernatural ability to wiggle into the most weary part of my heart and warm it and soothe it better than anyone I've ever known.

Each one of them is brilliant.

I have never taken for granted that I could have these boys. I am overwhelmed that they were given to me, and I treasure so many memories with them and value so many lessons they have taught me in my brief stint as a mother so far.

Somehow I entered motherhood with a lot of "I will never"s and a lot of sensitivity to what my children are feeling or thinking or needing, because I know what a difference it made when someone cared what was going on inside of me as a child.

With each birth, my capacity to love and appreciate each of them multiplied, and I find myself often consumed with the desire to mother them the way they deserve to be mothered.

Those are the only tools I came into this with: a few "do not"s, a capacity for empathy, deep mother love, and a desire to nurture and cherish my kids.

The thing is, as my boys grow more independent and more capable, more adventurous and more daring, I'm having a hard time filling in the blanks of my mothering know-how with real solutions.

I'm not sure how to replace the "I will never..." with "Instead, I will..."

I don't know how to feel the empathy but stay firm on principles.

I don't know how to turn the humiliation of certain mothering situations into humbling learning experiences for me and the boys.

I don't know how to know if anything I'm doing is making any difference or if I need to try something different. And what should that something be?

I don't know when to jump on something and nip it in the bud at all costs and when to just relax and wait for the boy to grow out of the habit.

I'm not inclined to hovering, but I wonder if I need to do it more.

I am inclined to bossing, but I don't know if doing it less would be better, seeing as how I am the mom.

I tell myself all the time, "There's no way to be a perfect mom, but there's a million ways to be a good one." (I read that somewhere, but can't remember where...)

But what do I do when I want to be the best one for my children?

It's too personal of an endeavor to believe I can find the answer in books or with experts or even from other moms who I admire and trust.

I try to be prayerful. I try to listen to promptings, and I trust my intuition and my knowledge of my own children a lot.

Sometimes, it's a multiple choice test, and I can choose which option makes the most sense or works the best for us. Other times, it's a matching exercise - different things work for different children, so just draw a line matching the child on the left to the correct solution on the right.

But a lot lately, it's similar to an essay exam, with a big blank sheet of paper waiting for me to fill in the main points.

And it's becoming more and more like one of those bad dreams where I didn't study, I don't remember being in the class at all, and I probably showed up without clothes on, to boot.

I've got to sharpen my pencil and get some stuff figured out, or my GPA is sunk.

Or someone could just pinch me and wake me up? If only...