10.17.2007

My Heart Hurts: The Low-down

I grapple from time to time with what I should / should not post here, mostly as it relates to what people want to read, but also as it relates to what should remain private and what might incriminate (for lack of a better word) or alienate people who are involved. And, of course, how much of my soul do I really want to bare?

So I'm just going to give this disclaimer right now: if you want fun or heartwarming or hilarious or profound or inspirational, this isn't it. This post is mostly for me. It's kinda like my falling tree. No one is around to hear it, but it makes a noise, believe me.

Among other things, my parents' marriage is perpetually coming to an end. I say perpetually because this is not a new thing - it's been threatening ever since I can remember. It's just that there's been a new eruption and now that I am an adult, I see and understand so much more. Every new crisis brings up so much anger frustration, and a lot of the hurt and confusion from being a child at home resurfaces at the same time. Plus worry about my little brothers who are still there.

There are so many other aspects and parts of this story, but it all just hurts. And at the same time, here I am in my nice little home with a functional marriage and a clear perspective and can go through each day relatively untouched by the ugliness in my parents' home, so I feel this strange sense of (for lack of a better word) survivor's guilt or something. Like I need to be involved and try to fix or do something, but I can't. No one really wants me to, anyway. But I remain torn between love for the people in the home I grew up in and trying to function happily in the home that I have to build with my own children.

I think that's what weighs me down - I have some answers, I have so much joy in my life, I can see what could be and what should be changed, and I have this painful kind of hope, even as I see hearts broken and expectations ruined and potential squandered in codependency and moot issues and selfishness.

And then there is the supreme frustration of trying to communicate with two people who should know better than they are acting, who don't care about anyone else's hurt, and then ending up somehow becoming the enemy because I won't choose sides.

Last year sometime, I read this little verse, and it actually describes some of what I feel quite well:

My feet, so deep in the earth!
My wings, so far into the heavens!
—And so much pain
in the heart torn between!
- Juan Ramon Jimenez


There really is so much heavenly about my life, but wow - I'm about knee-deep in mire from the past and present and that's all I can say: My heart hurts.

10 comments:

S said...

You have described the battle PERFECTLY unfortunatly, the hurting heart never really goes away it only quites down with time. Prayer helps, old sayings bring new meaning, and time brings new seasons. Proud of you for not taking sides, that is the best side.

Morning Glory said...

And my heart hurts for you! I'm so sorry this is happening. I don't have words of wisdom -- I just care how you feel.

An Ordinary Mom said...

My heart aches for you right now and for your entire family! My friend is going through this same thing right now. It is so rough!

(((HUGS)))

NOBODY said...

I hear your tree falling.
Wish I could give you a big hug.

On the other hand, what you have far exceeds "functional" and that will be your balm too. You are a superb wife and mother and you have an incredible husband.

And cute kids. But that's beside the point.

Jamie said...

I understand the survivor's guilt. We just had our 13th anniversary, which is where my parent's marriage ended. My stepmom kind of alluded to it when my dad was out of the room, so I know it was on his mind, too.

freetofly said...

Code Yellow -

I can so very much relate. My parents have struggled my entire life and as recently as this year were talking of splitting again. I love the verse you gave as an illustration. Right on target. You are right on all counts.

The healthiest thing you can do is keep loving them each, right where they're at. & ENJOY your family. At all costs, don't let the pain of what your folks are going through leech the life and joy out of what you have. THAT would be a great tragedy. And at least your brothers can see what life can be through your marriage and family. Don't think that doesn't count!

God bless!

Katrina said...

Oh CYM, I'm so sorry. I understand the pain, the guilt and the thoughts of "they should know better". It is a heavy load to carry in your heart. Sending you a cyber-hug...

Jen4 @ Amazing Trips said...

I'm sorry to read this. It's so hard when there is no way to control those things that are outside of our control. And when it's our parents, it just seems to hurt that much more.

I wish we lived closer. We could drink hot chocolate and chat while our children frolicked. In lieu of that, I'm sending you blessings from clear across the country. I hope they help :)

Shannon said...

My husband's parents struggle this way as well. I often marvel that the two of them don't recognize what everyone who knows them tries to make them realize: that they each bear blame and that both need to humble themselves to be made whole. Here's a fabulous book about Jesus Christ's healing power, in case you haven't already read it: *The Peacegiver* by James L. Ferrel (http://deseretbook.com/store/product?sku=4644455). It has completely changed the way I think about repentance and forgiveness.

Gabriela said...

CYM: thanks for this post. It was a post I would like to write if my parents didn't read my blog! My parents probably should have gotten divorced long, long ago, but haven't. They are miserable but can't live apart. It is so uncomfortable to be around them. I know just what you mean about wanting to fix things, wanting them to see how they are acting, but knowing that you can't and they won't.

Be happy with your life and make your home a different place for your kids. :)