Code Yellow, You Are The Weakest Link

No, really, I'm a total silliot. You should vote me off the island.

Yes, this is a pity party post, but don't feel obligated to leave a pep talk. As Mr. Bennett says, "It will pass soon enough. And probably sooner than it should." (Or something like that - I can't even bring myself to go search P&P for the appropriate quote. But you get the idea.) I've just had about 48 hours of idiocy that I need to give myself credit for.

I went into IKEA day before yesterday and came out two hours later, despondent because both things I went in to get were unavailable or just not right for what I needed them for, only to find that the door of my car was hanging wide open. No - no-one had broken in. No one (meaning me) had shut it. I had clicked the clicker to lock the sucker up, but failed to notice that the back door was still open. Seriously. Shoot me now.

As if the door of the car thing wasn't enough I went downstairs this morning to discover that I had neither locked nor deadbolted the front door before bed. We don't live in a particularly scarey hood or anything, but the thought of it creeped me out. I'm the overactive imagination type when I am at home alone, and I can't phathom how I failed to lock up last night. On a cold, dark, windy night...

Also yesterday only three red shirts helped me out at Target when Calvin left my side while I was filling out the one hour photo envelope for the disposable camera (the other current sob story of my life). In the two envelope-occupied minutes I took, he walked around the display area of the front entrance, lost sight of me, and started calling, "Moooooooom! Where are you?!!!" in a tragically alarmed voice.

And then, despite the fact that I was not far from where he had left me, and was walking toward him, calling back to him, "Cal! I'm right here!" He decided that I was maybe not in the store anymore? And he bolted out the front door, still calling mournfully for me (I was maybe 10 yards away!). That's when the redshirts followed him and he told one of them that I probably was out at the car, and he could go by himself. What?!?!?!?!?! I have never...But I don't think the redshirts believed me. So now I'm not the Code Yellow Mom - I'm the Mom Who Leaves Her Kids And Expects Them To Remember Where The Car Is So That They Can Go Home With Her If They Want A Ride. (I leave the car door open in case they get there before me.)

And of course there was the camel incident, which I have debated whether to leave as is because your imaginations were filling it in better than I can, or to go ahead and tell the rest of the story. The short story is that the little girl had climbed up onto the bench in between Calvin and Henry, then came the camels to maraude our ride. They were chomping their lips and wanted the feed that people were holding out in cups and their hands. And the little girl stuck her finger in the camel's nose up to her middle knuckle.

I instinctively, and almost not realizing that it wasn't Henry's hand, grabbed her hand and pulled it out, saying, "Oh, be careful!" Then I turned to see where her parent(s) were, only to hear her dad say, "It's really OK" in a very put out kind of voice. Turns out he wasn't within arm's reach of his girl (who was leaning over a rail that dropped about six feet below, surrounded by camels, ostriches and random horned African cow-like things) because he was trying to capture the exciting suburban safari shot on camera. And my big mama hand had ruined it. What was I thinking?

Tonight Calvin pulled one huge deed of destruction too many, less than ten minutes after a very clear discussion of a rule. Even the fact that he came up from hiding under the bed wearing goggles cannot make me feel chipper about it. I'm mad at him and I'm mad at myself for being mad, and it all adds up to a crummy, crummy attitude.

I've lived my whole adult life (at least on the days that I realize I'm in my adult life) trying to internalize the Eleanor Roosevelt principle that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. But between my own stupidity, other people's different priorities (photo opp over wee daughter's appendages), and the three-year-old's blatant provocations that seem to highlight my inadequacy, I can't help but give them permission to make me feel inferior, can I?

So to drown my troubles I walked into B&B Works on a whim and discovered they were having a hecka sale. I stocked up on creamy antibacterial hand soap in "Kitchen Lemon" and "Pink Grapefruit" and hunted around for something snifferific for myself. It's tough, since they discontinued plumeria, my once signature scent, and since I know my husband would prefer that I bake an apple pie instead of smell like one.

I happened to find a fabulous deal on "Pomegranate Martini." Truth be told, it makes me smell like a pixie stick, which is humor in itself, because there is nothing pixie or stickish about me. But what really made me smile is the thought of reading these kind of things while I shower:

"Drench yourself with a perfect mix of juicy pomegranate, sweet orange, and ruby red grapefruit. Cheers!"

"Tart and Tangy! Perfectly potent."

"Apply this magnificent cocktail to wet hair or body, work into a frenzied lather and rinse. Or pour two capfuls under warm, running bath water for an indulgent happy hour." (That's got to make someone laugh - thinking of me making a mixed...er, drink.)

"Smooth over skin to moisturize and frangrance. A second round couldn't hurt."


I don't know why this kind of stuff cheers me up, but it does. I think because I imagine someone somewhere saying, "What do you do for a living?" And someone answering, "I'm the bottle-back description writer for B&B Works."

Of course there are some days that I would like to switch jobs with that someone, just to get paid for thinking up puns about mixed drinks that you work into frenzied lathers instead of actually drinking.

Mostly there are just days that I wish I could take a shower long enough to read about a second round and picture myself flirtily ordering a virgin pomegranate martini at some hip bar.

Do they slide martinis down the bar for you to catch, or is that only foamy beer mugs? And would they put an olive in a pomegranate martini?

You see? Mind meanderings don't get any weaker than this.


The Amazing Trips said...

I hear ya loud and clear. But be gentle with yourself. You're doing an awesome job - SOLO duty - and we ALL have those kind of days.

Re: the car incident ... if it makes you feel any better, a few months ago, I took the trio to the gym by myself. After going inside - working out for a whopping 25 minutes - I came back outside and realized that BOTH sliding doors on our van were left wide open - and the tailgate was up.

If you look closely you can see that "L" on my forehead. It stands for "LOOOOZER"

Have a good weekend, drink up on those virgin pomegrante martinis. They'll put an olive in it if you want. Heck, they'd probably put an olive AND a marshmallow.

Susannah said...

I'm sorry to laugh, but this post is a scream. Classic: "So now I'm not the Code Yellow Mom - I'm the Mom Who Leaves Her Kids And Expects Them To Remember Where The Car Is So That They Can Go Home With Her If They Want A Ride. (I leave the car door open in case they get there before me.)" Then came the camel story, and Calvin wearing goggles...

I hope you feel better knowing you made someone chuckle. Maybe things will start to look up over the weekend.


Anonymous said...

All I have to say is that I miss IKEA. You definitely have a way of making me smile.

Super Happy Girl said...

I feel a strong urge and a sense of obligation to leave a pep talk.
Well, at least there was a reason for your silliotness: you left the car’s door open for the kids to find you, the house was left unlocked in case the kids just wanted to meet you at home or the IKEA people got the stuff you wanted (they were going to deliver it, you know, for all your trouble). Ruining the guy’s shot at the girl getting camel boogers…well, really, you just wanted to blog about it.

So you see, it all makes sense. Now, take a deep breath. DH is coming back in a few days, maybe he’ll take you to a hip bar, drink pomegranate martinis…now, doesn’t that sound nice?

Angela said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Angela said...

Pomegranate and Olives? It would take some RULL GOOD writing before that sounded good to me. And you have got some real good writing here. This post is hilarious. The Target employee---wow. "Uh yeah, I seen him with the keys, I think his mom wanted him to go start the car while she finished her frappicino at Starbucks."
I laughed (sorry) throughout this post but I guffawed heartily at the truth about the place for apple's pie scent in your home, and pixie stick. Dang that's funny.
NCS has some great reasoning. I'm happy to see her sound Latin logic back in the mix....:)
Are you pomegranate on the rocks or frozen? I think that would answer it's slide-ability down a bar. And actually sitting at a bar to "catch" it....
p.s. Sorry about the deleted comment, that was me being stoopit.

Katrina @ Callapidder Days said...

I just want you to know that if you had pulled my kid's finger out of a camel's nose, I would have thanked you.

Thanks for the giggles - you always turn stressful situations into wonderfully entertaining stories. I just love your perspective!

Enjoy your tart 'n tangy martini showers. :) You've reminded me that I am running dangerously low on my own Warm Vanilla Sugar antibacterial soap. I may just have to make my own trip to B&B works.

Tammy said...

I am trying not to leave a pep talk...trying hard!
Honestly, we have all had completely horrible days- Ok even weeks- like this! Believe me, I have!

And that dad was probably speaking in a "put-out" voice because he was secretly a little embarressed about not being within arm's length and was trying to cover. Men can be like that!

Still, months from now you will look back at all this and laugh...well, at least smile!


Barb said...

Two words re Calvin's tendency to wander away. Leash. Leash.

And I do wish you'd hook him up to one because, really, my heart can't take many more of these terrifying posts. :-)

You crack me completely up. Every single time.

Blogger profile name said...

A trip to IKEA can be quite an experience, can't it?! For the record, don't feel too bad - I have had both the fire department and the police unlock my van to release a child. Once a policeman had to unlock the door for me in front of T.J. Maxx, and he really looked disgusted (no child to rescue or anything).

Dawn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dawn said...

I can't tell you how many times today I have written messages and had them disappear. Maybe it'll show up later. I am irritated with Blogger or whatever is causing this.

I was saying that I laughed out loud and hope things get better soon. I think it's definitely time for Daddy to get home and give you a break! I don't think he's going to notice if the house isn't perfect, either.

I've gone off with my minivan door open, after getting kids out. Easy to do!

As for the daddy letting his little girl stick her finger up the camel's nose and think it's a great photo op - he deserve to be camel-whipped!

I went back to Kristen's post the other day and looked at the yummy pork roast recipe you left. I wish I'd looked at it before I went to the store, because I got the pork, but don't have the rest. Next time, though. Sounds delicious!

Try to relax! Maybe get a sitter and take a long, bath. In my younger days it was "Calgon, Take Me Away!" Unfortunately, I can't do any of those things because of an intense perfume allergy.

T.S. Eliot said...

Always hilarious, CYM. I have to say, I'm impressed that you made it out of IKEA without anything. I would go "just for the experience", and come out with a bag load of stuff. Some of it still unused. "Oh look! It's so cool! and swedish! and it's only $5!" But when I do that 20 times I've blown 100 bucks. I do miss it though... I mean in Crofton we had 3 within driving distance: College Park, Potomac Mills and Baltimore. Now my closest IKEA is in Dallas, 5 hours away. So sad...

Seriously though, I'll be so happy for your family when DH gets home, but you've done an amazing job.

(re: The Tent. I bought Elijah's tent at Toys-r-us for $45, but you buy them online through Target or Tinker Tots. It's made by Pacific Play Tents so I'm hoping it will last for a long time. )

Unknown said...

LOL. "The Camel Incident." I had a similar experience but ours was "The Cow Incident." And our daughter didn't get nearly as far... :-)

Anonymous said...

U funny. Stinkin' (like a pixie stick) funny. Got the laugh I needed today.

Unknown said...

Oh, thanks for inviting us for a laugh at your pity party: "I'm the Mom Who Leaves Her Kids And Expects Them To Remember Where The Car Is So That They Can Go Home With Her If They Want A Ride. (I leave the car door open in case they get there before me.)" Too funny.

I completely would have yanked that girl's hand out of the camel's nose. Don't despair.

And B&BW discontinued my favorite scent too--Green Clover and Aloe. It was fresh and tangy but not overpowering. I don't know if you know that in June and January (I think), they usually bring back the old scents at their sales. I don't know why or how.

rena said...

Totally know where you're coming from, Princess! (meant affectionately) At least you didn't break an RV on your vacation...long story..some day I'll post it.

Loved your posting today, and yesterday..the cape pics are precious, and it's nice to know that I'm in excellent company when it comes to being a silliot...love that word, BTW.

Hope you're enjoying your long weekend.

Nettie said...

Now I'm feeling guilty. Here you are feeling miserable and all I can do is giggle myself off my chair. (And feel like I need to get myself over to B&B!) Hope things go better soon.

(And how many people walked past your door and did not bother shutting it for you. Duh! They've all probably been told by father's of camel snot covered daughters to mind their own business, I guess.)

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Sometimes the best way to feel superior is to hear about how inferior someone else is. And if they just happen to be a stranger like me (found your page through a link on the blog of a stranger who posted on mine), then it's even better, 'cause you don't have to feel guilty about laughing at a friend.

I did the door thing too. Only worse, I didn't realize until -after- I started backing the car out of the garage. Err. Oops?

In my defense, it still shuts. Makes a funny squeaky noise though, and you have to ram it with your shoulder when you want to open it from the inside.

Feel better? =P

Unknown said...

code, dropping off film at the store is archaic, start taking digital photos and upload them to walmart.com, it will change your life.